Today Is The Day I Am One Year More...

For you out there that are in the know, nineteen years to this day I was pushed into this wonderful world.

Well yea some would expect to have a party or at least do something special because it only comes once a year. Hmmm...but I have nothing in mind, I've come to accept that nothing really does ever happen on such a day for me, nor any other member of the family, except my sister and brother. I guess I have out grown the whole thing, coz ever since the last few years nothing "big" has ever happened for it, nor I organised anything to happen.

It is a day to thank God that he has not taken my life yet, because I know there is more for me to accomplish, but I will never know when I will go, everything is in the hands of God. And I thank God for all that he has given to me and my family-Alhamdulliah.

Today is also another reminder that I am geting only older, and not younger, and more responsibilities and I am supposed to be more mature in the way I think and behave. But I think this process of maturity is slow for me, because I myself am trying to slow this process because I don't want to grow old , not this quickly. Some people can't wait til lthey get to age of 18-means freedom, can do anything they want, go anywhere. But when I was 18, I didn't use those privileges. In a way, not really looking forward to it, because at that age I was now considered an adult by the State and that meant I also lost some privileges, like being a child and paying stuff at a child rate. Well, since then I have kinda gotten used to the fact that I am becoming an adult and being treated that way.

Had thoughts about the future, where I'd be, and what I'd be doing, and who I would be with. And then comes the thought of leaving my parents and going on my own. It hasn't happened yet, but I know it won't be long before I have to contemplate that situation. I wouldn't know how to cope with that I think, because for my whole life so far, they have been there with me. Maybe I have been mothered too much, and need to get more tougher from now on.

And then there's the thought that always comes into my mind, tears me apart and then leaves only to return another day. The wanting of a companion, a significant other, a partner but more immediately the desire to become friends with a girl that I could share my feelings with, to go out with that person and do something. I dunno, is that called a girlfriend? But then I'd always thought a girlfriend as someone you really liked. Maybe for me I do want this person they call a girlfriend, but I'm not admitting it. Maybe I want it to start off as a friendship but hoping that it becomes more because I guess this friend that is a girl would be someone special to me, and that knows me and can comfort me. She wouldn't be just 'someone'. Or maybe she is someone that I would call a very close friend, like those two people that know who they are. They are able to comfort me when I need it, they can make things seem clearer for me, and I can tell them anything without fear. I think that sounds like a better description of the person that I would like to have in my life near to me at this point in time. Those two people that I say are my close friends, are indeed close to my heart, but they are physically the furthest away from me, so I can't really do anything with them, I can only see them whenever I can, whenever we are in reach of each other. Other than those two people, I have other friends I do stuff with regularly, close too, but I don't really say that much about my inner self because I am not that comfortable in releasing myself to those people. So, that is what I am looking for, a combination of both-someone I can hang out with that I can share my feelings with. Sounds simple, but to this day still haven't been able to find that person. Be patient and wait, that is all I can do I guess. But am I supposed to do soemething about it? Like I don't really make any effort to make any new friends, especially any girls. So I have this situation which I'd liek to rectify, but I'm not really looking for anyone that might be able to help. Ahhh right now I'm hoping I just happen to bump into someone that I just happen to be able to get along with. Seems unlikely, but it could happen. That is the uncertainty of life, that makes it so interesting (but at times can be a bit too much).

Thanks to Febi, for being the first one to remember how this day is significant for me, with that sms I got at midnight. Last year I remember it was Melissa who was the first to acknowledge my birthday, when she rang me at midnight. And I remember tha my family bought some Kentucy Fried Chicken for us to feast on. It's making me hungry thinking of it =) And then remembering, on that night I had a night out with the boys, went to Manly cruising around, and then the city, adn then realising that I had locked myself out of the house and had to sleep over my friend's place. And I also remembered that at that time I was thinking about this girl I had met on the Internet that I thought was very beautiful and someone that I would've liked to get to know and be with. (And then later find out that it was all a lie and that the person I thought was not really that person at all). And then I remember the year before that I was sad about the previous year when I had given this letter to a girl saying all these things that I didn't really know what they meant. I guess this year there is no incidents with any girl, so I guess that is a good thing (except for the fact that it makes me feel kinda lonely that I don't like anyone). It's funny though, even though there is no girl incident, I'm not really cheerful about it. Maybe it's because I'm not doing anything for my birthday or maybe because I didn't get anything. I guess there is still that wish that someone gave me something to me, a card at least, the child in me is stopping me from accepting the fact that people don't do that for me anymore.

For all those other people out there that have this day as their birthday "Happy Birthday". I think there are some famous people that have the same birthday as me. Hope you all have a nice celebration and happy day!

It is a nice day, the sun's out, who knows I might go do something today, this day they call my birthday....