So close to letting the cat out of the bag

Yesterday I had a fairly long conversation with her. The first lengthy one since I came back, actually since a while. It was good to talk to her again, bisa puas ngomong sama dia tanpa dia keburu pergi (seperti yg biasa).

Just like the brief encounter before, she asked who was 'ia'. I tried to dodge the question and give flase negatives but she didn't buy it. I was quite surprised that she was pressing me for the answer as if she really wanted to know. Maybe she's just like me, a curious person. I could've said any name to her but it wouldn't feel right. I could've said MsR to her, but already since coming back memories of her are fading away. After all we haven't met yet, aside from that exchange of glances across the street. 'Ia' has never really changed from then till now. It has always been her and I don't know what to do...

"You really want to know huh..." I was about to say "I'm speaking to her now" when I didn't give an answer but instead asked a question that would make her think it was someone she knew. Only after I said that it wasn't who she thought it was did she back down and we talked about other things. Ahh that saved me for a bit of time but I didn't make the most of it. I mean I didn't get to ask her more about herself in order for me to know if I should say more or not. Anyway, when the time is right, if ever, all will be revealed.

True to herself she even offered to help me out. What a really nice person but if I took up her offer and revealed the truth I doubt she could help me in that way. You can't force someone to like someone they don't. You can't tell someone else to forget their feelings for another person so they could have feelings for you. I was thinking maybe I could accept her offer and then let her know the truth. I would then explain why I feel the way I do and ask her again if she could help me. Maybe that's it. IF I got to know her a little more, maybe I could understand my own feelings even better and who knows what might happen.

Maybe I'm just kidding myself... If she only knew...