Why couldn't that be real?

This morning I had a dream that I wished really happened, one that was not long enough. We got close, and eventually she was leaning on me to rest (as if to say she was comfortable being close to me). Of course that made me really happy to see a change in her behaviour almost like she was giving me the signal that she changed her mind.

Of course that would never happen in real life, and if it did we would be married before it should happen. The dream just highlighted another one of those moments that will probably never happen (even though she would do it with someone else - as I noticed in the past). Why it wouldn't happen to me is because she's never been clsoe to me before the way she has ben with other people and I doubt that would change. Having her know how I feel about her, I'm pretty sure she's careful around me. Otherwise I would be getting the wrong signals from her. How thoughtful, I guess.

Still, I tremble, remembering that moment in time, trying to relive it as much as I can before the last remnants of that dream escape my head. Time and time again I am reminded of the fact that the only time I'll be close to you is in my dreams. Sad, but true.

Wanting you to listen

These last few days have been rather hard. Actually for most of the week really. It started off with that night I was trying to strike a conversation which revealeda bit about my past and asked for some assistance, but instead was met with disappointment. That night I realised that maybe she didn't have the answers for me, and that pretty much showed how uncaring she was. Then again she had her own issues to settle so maybe I'm just too sensitive. I asked for a way out, a flaw that would make it easier to move on and until that moment I was accepting of every flaw that I could see. That night, when I got no support, made me realise that perhaps this is the flaw that I cannot live with.

I need someone to talk to, and I want it to be her, but as time goes on it seems more unlikely to happen. If I was thinking properly, I couldn't ask her to be my listener since the problem involves her. It would put her in an uncomfortable situation no doubt. Maybe things are already uncomfortable, though she may just be hiding them. I'm so scared to ask her if I'm irritating her again (as I know I did at one point). I'm afraid to lose being in touch with her, but yet I still want more from her. More than what she's willing to give. Why can't I just accept what she's giving me? Why can't I just move on? There are so many reasons to show how we don't match, but my stubborn heart refuses to agree with my mind. Why can't I just let go?

Why can't I just treat her like any other friend? Why is she so special in my heart, even when I'm nothing to her? I feel so foolish but I'm still here. I'm hopeless, and just blind. I can't do this anymore, but I don't have anything to go onto. That's why I'm still here. Stupid, just stupid.

Change of thought

Up till a few minutes ago I felt that the only way to get over her was to run in the other direction and completely avoid her, or to find a big enough fault that would take her off that pedestal that my mind has placed her on.

After work I popped by to drop off some stuff, and ended up staying for a bit longer. I didn't talk much but more or less was just there to enjoy her presence (if enjoy is the right word). Actually I would've liked to have a chat to her at that time, but as there was someone else present I didn't think it was appropriate.

After coming home I had a think about what had transpired. On the surface it looks like nothing special, but then I realised that not everyone can do what I just did. You know how sometimes you're with someone who doesn't really want you to be there (like there is a sense of awkwardness) you feel unwelcome. Even though I was pretty silent, I didn't feel unwelcome. Maybe this is a sign of things to come. Maybe this is my heart and mind finally on the same terms.

I realised that I didn't have to be with her to be around her. We can still have a connection without being romantically linked. And I realised that because I let it out, and the fact that she didn't push me away means that she values that connection as much as I do. I realised that, I didn't need to hide myself anymore, I don't need to put on any fascade to impress her. I can be myself around her, not worry abotu saying the wrong thing or sounding dumb. I think I could even be frank with her. Maybe..

PS: Maybe that frame has made her more dorky in my eyes. I'd say there has been some impact on the 'x-factor' that I once saw, that intriguing look that always kept me wanting more. And the reason is because it hides her beautiful eyes, the very ones that keep me mesmerised. Unfortunate for her, but good for me I guess. InsyaAllah this means that I can look beyond what I had wanted before. She will always be someone special in my heart, but now I'm beginning to feel like it's worked out for the best the way it is.

It's amazing how a rather insignificant event could change your perspective.

Thoughts that should not cross my mind

I believe so and so actions are resulting in a change of thought in my brain waves for the worse. I should not have gone there, yet I pursued and then I had a dream about Her.

She walked in a fire for some reason but didn't seem to care. Afterwards I got worried and she asked to check her feet for burns. I hesitated because I did not want to touch her, but she said it was all right. In my mind I wanted to do it, and treat it more, but it did not proceed. The dream didn't go that far. I've never had that particular thought before and can only attribute it to my recent action, although I have seen them before and well a thought of some form of contact had occurred in my mind.

Astagfirullah I should not be having such thoughts. I don't know what's gotten into me lately. I should probably step up in my fasting and lower my gaze even more. I have to control myself because this is just crazy...I don't want to be this low, and it is so wrong. Maybe it's a good thing that I can't have Her for who knows what might've happened if She gave the green light.

Is this the one that'll come true?

In a twist of fate I found myself in amongst a joyous occassion and this time I was the centre of attention. Yes, it's another dream where I found myself marrying someone and this time it's with the newcomer. I don't know what's going on with my mind at the moment since I haven't even met the new Mz and last night my last point of contact was with Mz Outspoken with whom I've been obsessed with for years. It's only been this week where things in my life took a turn in the negative direction that I revisited Mz New (from know on to be known as Mz Ninja). In other words my theory of' whomever you speak with last will be in your dreams' is now false. The more likely proposition is 'whomever is consuming your mind will be in your dreams'. I'm taking this as a good sign that I'm likely to be moving on insyaAllah.

Anyway, having been awake for half an hour I've pretty much lost the dream but I still have some remnants in my head. The scene looked like it was at a hall in Sydney where I've been to before (that's the feeling that I had). I was organising the reception and so on. At one stage I was busy and forgot to bring my suit, and had to borrow someone else's suit. At another stage I saw Rita busy preparing a speech to say on that day. My Ninja was there too, clearly, unlike in a previous dream with another person. I saw her driving a car but then she stopped in the middle of a roundabout and was blocking a truck. I had to tell her that it wasn't a place to park and directed her to a parking spot. Obviously she was still learning the road rules of Australia.

That's as much as I can remember. She may have appeared in other scens, there may have been other people present, but it's quickly becoming a blur now. It's come as a surprise for me and this could a sign of good things to come. I should ask the One Above for guidance.

Cintakan bunuh kta

While trying to sleep off my grumbling stomach I had a dream about someone whom I believe likes me. It wasn't a happy one and when I woke up from it (semi-conscious) it felt as if I was crying. Maybe I was crying in the dream, maybe in real life too but I didn't feel any tears coming out.

In the dream I said that I couldn't do it. I could not be with her. As nice as she was, as good as we got on together, I could just not overcome that aspect of her that has been hindering me from being anything more than a friend. This is the state of my feelings towards her and to me it somewhat feels a bit like a taste of my own medicine (although not in exactly the same circumstances).

The difference is that with the previous case, she doesn't feel anything for me and never ever thought of me as more than a friend, and I guess she's somewhat not that comfortable with me and I too am shy of her sometimes even till now. With this new person we get along quite well and you could say we have more in common or have more ticks in terms of compatibility. Yet with all that in mind, I just don't feel right about it.

And that's why I cried, because as good as you are, as matching as it seems that we are, I just can't commit to you. I am so sad that this has to happen to you, someone who does not deserve this at all, but I can't lie to myself and I can't lie to you. This is what I feel.

Is this as close as I can get?

I've been keenly observing my own thoughts over the last month or so and have noticed a marked drop in thinking about her during Ramadan. At the same time, she hasn't been able to come online for the majority of that time and I missed her presence a lot to the point that I helped her online again. Since that time I haven't been waking up and sleeping with her as my last thoughts (not as much as before anyway), but when she came back online what happened was that I had dreams with her again. Maybe it's because she's the last person I reach before I go to sleep and as my mind approaches the resting point it brings in thoughts of her. A lot of times I've had dreams about things that I think about a lot, like work or if I'm anxious about something it usually haunts me in my dreams as well.

This morning I had another dream with her in it. It wasn't about her but it was about us. My hazy mind was not able to keep most of the detail but it sparked me to create this post because it brang up another topic. I've said this before but the dreams I have with her are like the only times I feel close to her. It's the only time I can actually do something with her, can talk to her as a dear friend, and really enjoy her presence. That's why I'm always a bit sad coming out of those dreams because I don't get this in real life. It's somethnig that I yearn for but it could be something that is beyond my reach. In real life I try to maintain a barrier because we are nothing and I don't want to step over the bounds. And given the fact that she's not feeling the same way as I do, for me to try to pursue her could end up hurting me even more.

So I cherish any dream I have with her, as short or as long as it is. And I take the wisdom that I gain from those dreams because they do contain important messages for myself. InsyaAllah this is one way that I can accept the consequences of my actions, a way to help me to understand.

By the way the dream went a little something like this; we were together somewhere and we were talking about us. I think I was lamenting a bit about why there is no we, but then it proceeded onto who else could I be with. And then she offered some names and I responded negatively pointing out why it couldn't work out between those people.

In another dream we were in the same room praying and after I had finished I left her to go on my way but as I was going a man was about to walk into that room so I followed him so that they wouldn't be alone together...

A trip down Memory Lane

Once again I am woekn up after experiencing her in my dreams. This hasn't happened in a couple of weeks, and I think now I am certain of why that is. Me not having dreams about her is about the same time as she not being online. Ever since I don't see her online I slowly thought less about her, the days no longer started and ended with thoughts about her and I was starting to move on. These last few days I suggested to her on how to get online again, and once again we were talking online. And this morning I experienced her presence in my dreams...

I had two dreams about her. The first one I saw myself together with her. We were going out somewhere on the train and for some reason she touched my left shoulder and it made it tingle. In reality we're never gone out in that way. It's always something that I've wanted, just once at least, but which should probably not happen given the circumstances.

The other dream, just shortly before waking up sounds more like what I've done in real life with her. She asked for some food which I would gladly go out to get. Whenever she asks something of me I'd just do it. That's the way it's always been. Sometimes I might complain but I still do it. Sometimes I think I go out of my way just for her, but then when I think of what she's done for me it all adds up.

Coming out of those dreams I realised quite a few things. These things made me shed tears. I've almost forgotten them now but I'll try my best to remember. These thoughts are very dear to me. These thoughts below might not make sense:

Whenever I see her online is my only time that I can get to know her. In real life I guess I always feel awkward to ask personal questions. She'd probably say that we're not comfortable with each other and she has a point. Thought I think it's ust that we're still getting to know each other or we just have found each other's buttons yet. I don't know if we would get to that stage.

I shed a tear because it felt like I was moving away from her. That night of revelations was the time that we finally met each other face to face. Since then we've progressively headed our separate ways. I shed a tear because I didn't want to let go of her. I want to follow her on her journey of self discovery. I want to be a part of that process but here I am on another path discovering myself. It's hard to say goodbye.

If we were to really depart from each other I'd always remember that smile of hers. Sometimes its infectious; she's just someone that brightens up your day.

She makes people move mountains and till now I still don;t know how she does it. Maybe I will never know.

Everytime I used to see her I would always want to stay as long as I could. She became the focus of my space and I wanted to just live it for as long as I could. Just wanted to know her as much as I could. It's as if I always feel that tomorrow may not be there so I'm hurrying to get to know her before it's too late. Do I still need to do this when she's told me that it's not going to happen? For someone that is as special and unique as she is, I think I have to look deeper because so far whenever I've learnt more about herself, I've also learnt mroe about myself. Maybe our journeys are not in opposite directions, but instead in parallels. Like two lanes on a highway going in the same direction. The only difference is the speed that we're travelling at.

Whatever she gives to me I am accepting. At first I wasn't happy with it, but after a long thought process I realised that it is a lot more than what some others have been given. I should be grateful. I am grateful, though I just don't want to show it at the moment. I'm not willing to accelerate at the moment. I just want to take things nice and slow, just enough to keep up with her...

Psych me up

I just finished as session of a series of experiments done on myself to help a student with her thesis on spatial research. Looking around online it appears that men are supposedly better than women at this stuff but I found it quite a challenge. Anyway I'll know soon enough how I fared.

On Monday I went on my quest to search for why I think and feel the way I do. I knew it was some sort of psychology subject but couldn't quite figure it out. Years ago I remember seeing an ad for a documentary about the attraction between men and women but the title escaped me. Thinking the BBC would show such a doco I searched for "documentary on attraction bbc" and eventually got somewhere. That guy I saw in the doco is Robert Winston. I remember seeing him in a doco about the human body some time ago (probably during school science). Anyway, it appears that the doco I was looking for was called Human Instinct.

To cut a story short I borwsed around the BBC website and took this Brain Sex ID test and I'm 50% male. I also did some other test and got a few interesting reads. This stuff is really stimulating my mind and in a way rekindled my desire to know more about psychology. It's always been about to learn mroe abotu the way I think, so I probably wouldn't be taking it up as a profession, but nevertheless it's helping me a little bit to know more about myself. Other interesting differences of the sexes are mentioned in this link. And last but not least I stumbled on the big one of them all, facial attractiveness.

Facial attractiveness is something I've been trying to know more about in an attempt to understand why I like such and such features of people. At the moment I have an obsession with eyes and think it's all about the eyes. What is it about the eyes? Are they really the window to the soul? Eyes say a lot about a person and I did quite well on the eye test (something that females are usually better at). Why do I like her eyes so much? 

Psst I had a lot of fun playing around with this face maker. It's interesting to see what different ethnicities would look liek when they merged.

Missing you even though you are close

The purpose of this post was to say that I was missing her, even though it only had been a few days since last contact. Since the start of Ramadan I was intending not to contact her but in this instance I had to for a community purpose. And then we had to converse for a while, a dictation, so there I was doing my duty and not being able to reach out in any other way.

So here I am so close yet so far, unable to do anything about it. It's a struggle to continue being like this and it's so hard to move on as well. I wish I could've said mroe but it felt unappropriate. I'm still not finished, my mind still has many thoughts locked up waiting to be released. Maybe some day it will all come out, or maybe some time the thoughts will fade away...(0809101145)

The Breakthrough

Centil and genit are the two words that have floated around my head in regards to her. She admits it herself, people do describe her in that way but whether she accepts that is another matter (I didn't really get a chance to discuss further). These words, in English, more of less describe someone who is flirtatious AND I got hooked in because of this. Flirtatious people make you feel good about yourself, right? When they give the at signal and you're interested too you think you're moving ahead when on the other end they're only playing with you like it's a game. Some people knowingly do it while others don't even realise it till it's too late. I believe I got trapped by her via the second occurrence. How unfortunate for the both of us. 

Reading around online about flirting I came across some articles that could possibly explain her behaviour further. After I made the connection it seemed much more clearer as to what was going on. I was the fool, the naive one and it got this far to get myself burned. That's what you get for chasing girls huh.

I remember her saying that she isn't a girly girl and prefers to be around guys. Now at her age, a lot of the guys are looking for a relationship and combine that with her desire to befriend guys, you get mixed messages. Maybe in her eyes her interaction with guys is just the normal way, nothing special, just wanna be friends etc. But from the guy's perspective he think that she's giving him attention AND the green light to pursue her. What was an innocent acquaintance (I don't know if that exists) turns out to be either success or failure to form a relationship. Some guys get persistent, while others move on. As for myself I'm here writing it out so that I can analyse what exactly has been going on in order to help myself understand and comprehend that the feeling was not mutual. In a way I've practically given up but given my current position I have to see and interact with her at some level. Previously I could just run away or avoid said person and the feeling would generally go away over time but here I am faced seeing her a lot and still having feelings for her but not being able to do much about it. 

Anyway, this connection that I made was so simple; to her all guys are just friends but she acts as someone who's interested in them. It's entirely possible that she's subconsciously doing this because in our nature to seek out the potential mate. I'm sorry that it sounds so basic but at the end of the day I believe it does have its merits. Reading through this article explains it well. We all have that selfish inclination to desire that person who has all the qualities in the world and while we are still free, and have opportunities to see different people, why not scout the crowd? I do it all the time although I rarely act upon it. The reason is because, I don't really know how to flirt, and the other is that I don't want to play around with people's emotions. If I did that in the past I sincerely apologise and it was not my intention to hurt people. 

It is our nature to flirt, according to the article, and it's supposed to be good for you. In Islam though, we are told to lower our gazes and flirting is a definite no no. Why do we have conflicting ideas (one human and the other divine). Remember this flirting is an action that is based on our lower desires (just wanting to further our genes to someone else). There may or may not be a desire for a long term commitment. Whereas in Islam, if you see the process of finding a spouse and marriage itself, it teaches us that we should strive to find the pious spouse. At the end of the day our spouses will lead us closer or get further away from Allah. This is a long process and requires someone that is going to be there for the long run (not just someone who wants to pass on his or her genes). In Islam, marriage is not just about procreation, although it is emphasised that we should be with child bearing spouses (but how are we supposed to know if someone is fertile?). More importantly we are the da'wah carriers, we are the ones to carry the message of Islam to the masses and the fate of this ummah is in our hands. Such work begins in the family home and spreads through our communities and our nations. This work would not be possible if our family unit was not based upon Islamic values. 

I was just asking myself how are we supposed to find a spouse that is fertile? The answer lies in the fact that many men prefer younger girls and girls that bear characteristics that appear to make them fertile. Is that true or not? Ok we have couples that are not far in age or the woman is older than the man but I guess they still bear other characteristics of being fertile. Being young, women in this age group still have many years ahead of them to ovulate. How about being mature for motherhood? Well that comes with age. That's why you see girls who are adolescent getting married and not teens since they have probably seen what a newborn is like (in their family or close relatives) and have experienced life helping out their family domestically. 

I've lost the plot with that last paragraph and have forgotten how I was supposed to relate all this to my situation. OK, so she has an inclination to befriend guys (for whatever reason) and has been doing so for a long time since her early years. Problem now is she is reaching an age where the guys think she's ready for the next step but she hasn't put the brakes on her (apparently) flirting ways. If she doesn't realise she's flirting then chances are she's not doing it intentionally. I would say it is part of her developing process from teen to adult. So a person who unknowingly flirts with guys because she wants to befriends them only leads to a lot of misunderstandings.

With my case, I shood away from her because I didn't want to get too close that she would realise that I was attracted to her. I wanted to get to know her without the fascade, see the real her, and then make my decision based upon my interactions with her. Over time I grew more fond of her, and although she never directed any flirtation my way (I just picked up some things that I thought were positive signals), I knew she wa that kind of person and it drew me in even more (seeing her do it with other guys).  I became jealous and wondered why she didn't do it to me and it reached that point where I could take no more. This is where I am today. (16:29)

Reality Bytes

It's funny what human interaction and the emotions of loving someone and having someone in your heart can do to you:

http://www.abc.net.au/austory/specials/realitybytes/default.htm

A dream to ruin your day

This morning I had a series of dreams and one was good and the other was bad. Lets start with the good.

Somewhere in the world I was at a facility with BoA and I had to difuse something to stop a bomb from blowing up. I was all excited that I could finally met BoA in real life but the place I was going to was hazardous and could potentially kill me. So there we are in this facility, after she went in I folllowed with camera in hand to capture every moment I had with her. Instead of me she did everything and by the time I got to the location she declared it safe.

Everyone thought I was a hero, evn though it wasn't me who did the work. I was just chuffed that I could spend the day with BoA still fresh and vibrant as always. That dream just didn't make any sense at all...

My next dream was one that hit a little closer to home because it reflects my current situation in life and the people involved are real. This was the dream that has essentially ruined my day.

I was with a friend that I guess I've been envious of for a while now because of his relationship with someone that I am fond with. So as we're walking he gets a phone call and I overhear the conversation and it happened to be her. She said something like "guess what I have something for you (or to show you)". Immediately I got jealous and felt sad. I asked myself why doesn't she talk to me like that? Why isn't she close to me like that? Why am I the one that's always left out?

Waking up that's exactly what I had to ask myself. I so want to tell her this but what would it achieve? She's not oncontrol of my mind. She can't do anything (that wouldn't go against her wishes) in order to help me. I just have to learn to accept it, I have to learn to take what has been given to me. I wish for this to go away but this struggle is my test. I need to pass this test. I need to conquer these emotions. I can't let it consume me. I can't run away. I must face it and have hope and faith that there is a brighter day.

Hiding a murder and seeing an outcome

I've been talking about dreams lately and well they haven't been making any sense but I'll jot today's series just in case they add up to something.

I'm at this place, some gathering and for some reason I feel terrible as I've shot my friend, his sister, and someone else who pissed me off. I'm panicking and hid the bodies closeby. People are everywhere so I could not dispose of the bodies immediately. I saw her fiance to be and wanted to confess to him what I did but I could not. I went back to where the bodies were and the sheets were full of blood. "Oh no! What have I done? I really hope this is just a dream!"

I woke up momentarily before falling asleep again. This time I was at some conference place. It looked like my former workplace was at court and the judge gave his verdict. A decision had been made as to the future of the company. While I didn't hear the verdict I assumed the worst and when I asked a passerby er, he confirmed that indeed the company will proceed into liquidation.

Dream number 1 was total nonsense to me but dream number 2 could have some substance to it. I eagerly await for 28th August 2008.

Death and Ressurrection

For tyhe past few days I've been trying to continue to ask for the right course of action. For 2 days straight there was nothing (silence) but yesterday I had a dream that seemed irrelevent so I dismissed it. This morning though, just before 6 am I was inside a dream about the death of some close people.

In the beginning I was with my friend who looked a bit different and although I forgot what we were doing apparently his unit's (no longer living at the yellow house) keys were wrong and he needed to get a new set of keys to get into his home. At first he complained that it didn't work but after a bit of fiddling around the key worked as expected.

The next scene I remember is that someone announced Bagaek passing away. It was Friday and we were debating whether to bury him before or after the Friday jum'at. At the same time, my Father's death was also announced. I was a bit hysterical and went over to him to see if he really was gone. To my surprise his still body started to move. He started to cough and woke up from what appeared to be a coma. He then asked for the time (thinking he was late for jum'at). He stood up and started to walk. My Mum saw him and was so happy that he was alive. He went up some stairs and joined my uncles in some gathering (baralek) to (eat) and there was where I left him.

I don't know how this relates to what I've asked an answer to. Is death a sign that if I was to go ahead that it would be bad for me? Does the death and resurrection signify that it would be a struggle but in the end there would be a celebration? None of the dreams have been clear but my interpretations suggest that overall they've been negative. I wish it wasn't that way because at the moment I feel so empty not hanging onto anything. I've lost hope of anything happening yet I don't want to move on either.

I'm like a boat stuck in the middle of the ocean with my petrol to run the motor. Just swaying side to side as the waves hit the sides. Just waiting for the day to come.

Show me what is best for me in this life and the next

Istikharah prayer is a very powerful gift for us to use when we seek guidance from Allah. Having this huge decision to make, I previoudly did not want to use it because I was afraid of the outcome. As time goes by I relented and sort forgiveness in Allah and realised that I should've consulted Him first before anything else.

For the past week or so I've asked on and off about this huge decision. At first there were no responses. I read that you get dreams with some colours or have positive or negative connotations but because it was not happening I questioned my technique.

Last Tuesday seemed to be some sort of response that happened in real life. My aunty and uncle were discussing marriage and joked how someone younger than myself had already found someone so when would it be my turn. Of course I said I don't know but not long after that my uncle mentions her, the one in question. He thinks that we're suitable. This of course was right in front of my mum. I had to walk away.

Yesterday was the next sign so to speak. I had a dream where I asked her if she had done her work yet and she replied saying not all of it. I wake up and asked a similar question to whcih she replied don't ask me about it (same answer). Hey is there some kind of telepathic link gonig on here??

And this morning, as I was woken up by by phone for fajr prayer I was getting out of a dream and the first words that came into my mind were "love and affection". Rushing to remember what just happened in the dream I vaguely remember asking her why she and him broke up. Her answer was that "he was too loving and affectionate". What is that supposed to mean? I thought all girls like to be loved and show affection for them. How can you get too much that it turns you off? My first thoughts were she likes to play it rough? As in it's too easy for her. She doesn't have to do anything and she's already being loved so much that it gets boring.

In any case, I still need to ask for more guidance. None of these are clear signs to me but on face value the majority appear to be negative unfortunately. That's why I need more guidance just to be sure I am making the right decision of my life. InsyaAllah I will know soon. Allah knows best.

Sensing difference

I saw her for the first time since that fateful evening. As usual she carried herself gracefull and acknowledge my presence as she went by. I still felt something for her yet there wa something different this time around. It wasn't the same as before.

I sensed something odd, like blood???

Week in Review

Sunday I was daydreaming while She was present and I turned red.

Monday was a time of letting it all out and getting a few answers while gaining a few more questions.

Tuesday was feeling weird and strange while trying to take in the new found knowledge.

Wednesday was a feeling of guilt for what I did in the past and realising how desperate I was in such situations. I did not want history to repeat itself, so I used this opportunity to correct myself and not be silly anymore. I had to fight for Her in the evening, and it drained me.

Thursday was a moment to understand the reality and to take what I had and to make the most of it. Get some motivation from what she does. Aspire to do what she does, to catch up to her and match that enegery she has to please The One Above.

Friday I missed Her and wanted to say hi.

Saturday I missed Her and saw her laugh and smile.

And Sunday I stil missed Her and wrote this post >_<

The Talk

(Posted for 9/6/08 21:30)

I've planned this talk since the time I was OS and believe it to be one of those pivotal moments of this year. It's been a long time waiting and I was eager to let it out as well as to hear the truth.

At first I was hesitant to let it out. It was hard to mention Her name like that, so understandably I led him to talk about what marriage life was like. It helped me to calm down and settle in. After his spiel on marriage I was convinced that it was a good thing and I admit I was envious about what he had. He sold married life very well. For him, I knew it would be good for him because I already knew he was a mature person who had been through many things that helped him to be a man and he also has the Islamic knowledge to back him up. Marriage was good for him in many ways.

Now as for me, honestly I think I've been babied too much to be able to call myself a man. I've had it easy all these years and now that I've reached a quarter of a century of life I'm starting to panic about how immature I still am and the fact that I don't have the Islamic knowledge to back me up. After he talked about how it was good to have a child at a young age (and when they grew up you would have a smaller age gap) I complete agreed and thought that would be a great idea. Then when I applied it to myself, I realised that it might not be on the cards just yet coz I still need to grow up..

Anyway as the night went on, and after a trip to the john, I finally confessed. He said Her name straight away, and sort of thought it was kinda odd (didn't think to ask at that time). It was good to get it out, to finally tell someone. And I knew he was the right person to tell because I trusted him and he knew a lot about Her.

Yang pahit dan manis semuanya di ceritain ma gue. Di saat itu lah gue benar2 mulai ada pengertian ttg Dia, dan tambah lagi perasaan sama Dia. Ternyata apa yg gue pikir selamani gak juah dari yg sebenarnya.

By the end of the night I relised that I had this would not be easy if I really wanted to be with Her. I have to fight for Her, and this is not just a contest with another guy but so much more. There are many things to consider and I really need to sit down and think about my future with Her.

The normal me would just give up on Her, and say it was too hard, but in this case I want to pursue Her. There's been far too many coincidences to not take it further. I don;t know if it has been the temptations from shaytan or if they are legitimate signs, but I'm too far in to walk away like this. I owe Her a lot for the things that happened in my life recently and so far She's been the one that has consistently shown up as someone I can see myself with. I need to fight this time!

How do I get to know you?

(posted for 15/6/08 10:25)

I woke up with that question in my mind after running through scenarios in my mind. I have no answer to the question.

Hmm, up till now I've gotten to know quite a bit about you through interaction and asking about you and I've tried to keep it as clean as possible. What I mean by clean is that I try not to step over the bounds of Islam in that whenever I've dealt with you I've tried to maintain an Islamic conduct and stick to business. I admit I've occasionally slipped but I try to minimise it.

Now I've come to the point that I won't be able to get to know you any further if I don't do anything else. This is my dilemma. How do you get close to someone without overstepping the boundaries?

Yes I know that a man and woman can get to know each other for the purpose of marriage in the presence of a muhrim, but there are issues with me in doing it that way unfortunately. Going under the radar so far I've not found a way to get any closer and feel that I have to say something to You. And it's nearly happened, a few times now. I've just had to hold back as I don't know what would happen if I said it. I mean if you were to not like what I said, then I might lose you completely and that would just devastate my life.

One of my other options I guess is to continue observing, while asking other people about you. I'm hesitant about letting more people know though, because usually somewhere along the line the cat is let out of the bag.

For now I think I'll just lay low. Maybe a hint or two might get some reactions but I really don't know where to go from here. At the end of the day everything is in the hands of Allah.

Worth the wait

(posting for 8/6/08 17:59)

I feel what I've been feeling for you
Means I am falling for you
Something's opened up inside of me
And I turn
In shades that only can be
The colors of you and me
I think we both know what that means
I stand inside this promise I made to myself
That I was meant for you

If I fall
If I break
If I lose myself in someone
If I give all I am it'll be with you
When I'm ready to take
All that you want me to give
It will be worth the wait
Worth the wait
It will be worth the wait

My heart
I wanna save it for you
Don't want it broken into pieces
I need myself to reverse
And could we just sit and talk a while
Just wanna see you smile
Feel your sunlight
Shining over me

If I fall
If I break
If I lose myself in someone
If I give all I am it'll be with you
When I'm ready to take
All that you want me to give
It will be worth the wait
Worth the wait

Worth all the long nights dreaming of forever
Someday we will be together
I know it will have been so worth the wait
Ooh
Please wait for me

If I fall
If I break
If I lose myself in someone
If I give all I am it'll be with you
When I'm ready to take
All that you want me to give
It will be worth the wait
Worth the wait
It will have been so worth the wait, yeah
I will be worth the wait -Jordin Sparks

When I heard this song, I really listened to the lyrics and it hit me with such a force that it made my eyes swell up. The thought on my mind was "I don't want to be alone...and I don't know what to do without you". That's all..I just wouldn't know what to do if she wasn't there, if she was no long 'the one'. It would be I was at square one again, and so empty and I am so scared of that feeling.

The power of a ring

Last week I was cleaning my cupboard and found a set of rings that I had. One of those was one that I had for a long time but kinda forgot about over the years. This ring, made of silver, turned brown over the years and that's why I left it unused. For some reason, when I found it it looked better than before, even unique.

This ring (should have a picture here) was given to me by my uncle when he had a silver jewellery shop in Bogor some years ago. I don't remember how I came to receive it but I wore it for some time before it started to degrade. Now it's come back into my life with a new meaning.

Lately I've been having some desire to stick a ring on my finger. I guess it's for a couple of reasons. It looks nice to have some shiny thing on your finger, it's something to play with when you're bored and I can use it as a mini mirror when my watch isn't around. It also has another significance, and that is to invoke a reaction. Two years ago I bought some rings with the intention of wearing one while I went to Indonesia. I did it because I wanted to show people that I was unavailable (or to at least make it appear that way). I guess I didn't want people to bother me with asking about marriage. Instead, it got other unwanted attention, where people asked who I was engaged to!

People usually wear silver but I wanted something more durable, and found a nice tungsten carbide ring on ebay. Unfortunately it was a big loose but luckily I also purchased some hematite rings at the same time (I like the dark colour). Together they decorated my finger. The tungsten signifying durable, lustrous matter that is held back by the hematite. Unfortunately, the hematite ring cracked when it got dropped on the floor and today the tungsten carbide ring sits unused.

When I went back to Indonesia this year, I came wearing a ring again but it was another silver ring from Peora made in China. Problem was that the edges were rough and irritated my finger so I gave up on wearing rings till this old new one popped back into my life.

After discovering the old new ring, I immediately put it on and after 5 or so years it still fit snugly into my ring finger. This time around it was to take on a new meaning..to say that I had been here for a quarter of a century and needed to do more with my life. And, I guess a small part of it was to say that my heart was currently attached (to someone that doesn't know).

Throughout the week I got a few reactions to it where people asked who I was engaged to or who the special person was etc. But at each time I said that the ring did not mean what they were thinking. It bore no significance and was given to me a long time ago. Some people didn't look convinced though.

Anyway, at first I wanted to wear it and see what sort of reaction I got, and then I started to like wearing the ring full time and wanted to keep it on till it was replaced at the time of marriage, but now I've decided to take it off (a week after putting it on). I did it because a friend asked about it last night and said that if I was available then I shouldn't wear it as it would give the impression that I was not available. Even though my heart is not available, I realised that my idea could backfire and make the person I was interested in think I was already with someone.

Even though it was odd to wear it at first, I grew to like using this old new ring. Every time I looked at it, it reminded me that this is what it might be like to be married and even though it has no significance, it reminded me of Her as well. This past week somewhat became a little experiment to see what a ring would do to my life and I can already feel its significance in marriage. Even though I would not take it as a form of belief that a ring will keep a bond, I can see its use as a reminder of a time, place or memory and is such a powerful tool to bring people together.

Even just to be your shadow would make my day...

This morning I woke up from a dream of presence. I tried to go back to sleep to resume it but it was useless. Then that title popped in my head.

Am I going looney or what? But that's what I feel. We could be doing something together or be in the same room yet she would not know I was there. There is a barrier between me and her, and I feel incapable of interacting with her. I guess a lot of that has to do with being anxious. I'm so self conscious and worried that anything I say or do may give clues to her or others. So I'm stuck with whatever I get and at best I'm just her shadow...

I'm confused, I don't know what to do. Should I leave it, should I forget about her or is there something there? Or nothing at all.

It's as if you know

Not once, or twice, but it's been a few times now that I have a feelign that she knows more than she lets out. Maybe it is just my wishful thinking but sometimes I just feel as if she knows what I feel and is sending sublimial messages to me. Of coures it could just be pure coincidence. "Take the risk and face the consequnces".

Sometimes I'd just be thinking abotu her and then she'd appear or even talk to me. It's eerie and I really don't know what's going on...