Is this as close as I can get?

I've been keenly observing my own thoughts over the last month or so and have noticed a marked drop in thinking about her during Ramadan. At the same time, she hasn't been able to come online for the majority of that time and I missed her presence a lot to the point that I helped her online again. Since that time I haven't been waking up and sleeping with her as my last thoughts (not as much as before anyway), but when she came back online what happened was that I had dreams with her again. Maybe it's because she's the last person I reach before I go to sleep and as my mind approaches the resting point it brings in thoughts of her. A lot of times I've had dreams about things that I think about a lot, like work or if I'm anxious about something it usually haunts me in my dreams as well.

This morning I had another dream with her in it. It wasn't about her but it was about us. My hazy mind was not able to keep most of the detail but it sparked me to create this post because it brang up another topic. I've said this before but the dreams I have with her are like the only times I feel close to her. It's the only time I can actually do something with her, can talk to her as a dear friend, and really enjoy her presence. That's why I'm always a bit sad coming out of those dreams because I don't get this in real life. It's somethnig that I yearn for but it could be something that is beyond my reach. In real life I try to maintain a barrier because we are nothing and I don't want to step over the bounds. And given the fact that she's not feeling the same way as I do, for me to try to pursue her could end up hurting me even more.

So I cherish any dream I have with her, as short or as long as it is. And I take the wisdom that I gain from those dreams because they do contain important messages for myself. InsyaAllah this is one way that I can accept the consequences of my actions, a way to help me to understand.

By the way the dream went a little something like this; we were together somewhere and we were talking about us. I think I was lamenting a bit about why there is no we, but then it proceeded onto who else could I be with. And then she offered some names and I responded negatively pointing out why it couldn't work out between those people.

In another dream we were in the same room praying and after I had finished I left her to go on my way but as I was going a man was about to walk into that room so I followed him so that they wouldn't be alone together...

A trip down Memory Lane

Once again I am woekn up after experiencing her in my dreams. This hasn't happened in a couple of weeks, and I think now I am certain of why that is. Me not having dreams about her is about the same time as she not being online. Ever since I don't see her online I slowly thought less about her, the days no longer started and ended with thoughts about her and I was starting to move on. These last few days I suggested to her on how to get online again, and once again we were talking online. And this morning I experienced her presence in my dreams...

I had two dreams about her. The first one I saw myself together with her. We were going out somewhere on the train and for some reason she touched my left shoulder and it made it tingle. In reality we're never gone out in that way. It's always something that I've wanted, just once at least, but which should probably not happen given the circumstances.

The other dream, just shortly before waking up sounds more like what I've done in real life with her. She asked for some food which I would gladly go out to get. Whenever she asks something of me I'd just do it. That's the way it's always been. Sometimes I might complain but I still do it. Sometimes I think I go out of my way just for her, but then when I think of what she's done for me it all adds up.

Coming out of those dreams I realised quite a few things. These things made me shed tears. I've almost forgotten them now but I'll try my best to remember. These thoughts are very dear to me. These thoughts below might not make sense:

Whenever I see her online is my only time that I can get to know her. In real life I guess I always feel awkward to ask personal questions. She'd probably say that we're not comfortable with each other and she has a point. Thought I think it's ust that we're still getting to know each other or we just have found each other's buttons yet. I don't know if we would get to that stage.

I shed a tear because it felt like I was moving away from her. That night of revelations was the time that we finally met each other face to face. Since then we've progressively headed our separate ways. I shed a tear because I didn't want to let go of her. I want to follow her on her journey of self discovery. I want to be a part of that process but here I am on another path discovering myself. It's hard to say goodbye.

If we were to really depart from each other I'd always remember that smile of hers. Sometimes its infectious; she's just someone that brightens up your day.

She makes people move mountains and till now I still don;t know how she does it. Maybe I will never know.

Everytime I used to see her I would always want to stay as long as I could. She became the focus of my space and I wanted to just live it for as long as I could. Just wanted to know her as much as I could. It's as if I always feel that tomorrow may not be there so I'm hurrying to get to know her before it's too late. Do I still need to do this when she's told me that it's not going to happen? For someone that is as special and unique as she is, I think I have to look deeper because so far whenever I've learnt more about herself, I've also learnt mroe about myself. Maybe our journeys are not in opposite directions, but instead in parallels. Like two lanes on a highway going in the same direction. The only difference is the speed that we're travelling at.

Whatever she gives to me I am accepting. At first I wasn't happy with it, but after a long thought process I realised that it is a lot more than what some others have been given. I should be grateful. I am grateful, though I just don't want to show it at the moment. I'm not willing to accelerate at the moment. I just want to take things nice and slow, just enough to keep up with her...

Psych me up

I just finished as session of a series of experiments done on myself to help a student with her thesis on spatial research. Looking around online it appears that men are supposedly better than women at this stuff but I found it quite a challenge. Anyway I'll know soon enough how I fared.

On Monday I went on my quest to search for why I think and feel the way I do. I knew it was some sort of psychology subject but couldn't quite figure it out. Years ago I remember seeing an ad for a documentary about the attraction between men and women but the title escaped me. Thinking the BBC would show such a doco I searched for "documentary on attraction bbc" and eventually got somewhere. That guy I saw in the doco is Robert Winston. I remember seeing him in a doco about the human body some time ago (probably during school science). Anyway, it appears that the doco I was looking for was called Human Instinct.

To cut a story short I borwsed around the BBC website and took this Brain Sex ID test and I'm 50% male. I also did some other test and got a few interesting reads. This stuff is really stimulating my mind and in a way rekindled my desire to know more about psychology. It's always been about to learn mroe abotu the way I think, so I probably wouldn't be taking it up as a profession, but nevertheless it's helping me a little bit to know more about myself. Other interesting differences of the sexes are mentioned in this link. And last but not least I stumbled on the big one of them all, facial attractiveness.

Facial attractiveness is something I've been trying to know more about in an attempt to understand why I like such and such features of people. At the moment I have an obsession with eyes and think it's all about the eyes. What is it about the eyes? Are they really the window to the soul? Eyes say a lot about a person and I did quite well on the eye test (something that females are usually better at). Why do I like her eyes so much? 

Psst I had a lot of fun playing around with this face maker. It's interesting to see what different ethnicities would look liek when they merged.

Missing you even though you are close

The purpose of this post was to say that I was missing her, even though it only had been a few days since last contact. Since the start of Ramadan I was intending not to contact her but in this instance I had to for a community purpose. And then we had to converse for a while, a dictation, so there I was doing my duty and not being able to reach out in any other way.

So here I am so close yet so far, unable to do anything about it. It's a struggle to continue being like this and it's so hard to move on as well. I wish I could've said mroe but it felt unappropriate. I'm still not finished, my mind still has many thoughts locked up waiting to be released. Maybe some day it will all come out, or maybe some time the thoughts will fade away...(0809101145)

The Breakthrough

Centil and genit are the two words that have floated around my head in regards to her. She admits it herself, people do describe her in that way but whether she accepts that is another matter (I didn't really get a chance to discuss further). These words, in English, more of less describe someone who is flirtatious AND I got hooked in because of this. Flirtatious people make you feel good about yourself, right? When they give the at signal and you're interested too you think you're moving ahead when on the other end they're only playing with you like it's a game. Some people knowingly do it while others don't even realise it till it's too late. I believe I got trapped by her via the second occurrence. How unfortunate for the both of us. 

Reading around online about flirting I came across some articles that could possibly explain her behaviour further. After I made the connection it seemed much more clearer as to what was going on. I was the fool, the naive one and it got this far to get myself burned. That's what you get for chasing girls huh.

I remember her saying that she isn't a girly girl and prefers to be around guys. Now at her age, a lot of the guys are looking for a relationship and combine that with her desire to befriend guys, you get mixed messages. Maybe in her eyes her interaction with guys is just the normal way, nothing special, just wanna be friends etc. But from the guy's perspective he think that she's giving him attention AND the green light to pursue her. What was an innocent acquaintance (I don't know if that exists) turns out to be either success or failure to form a relationship. Some guys get persistent, while others move on. As for myself I'm here writing it out so that I can analyse what exactly has been going on in order to help myself understand and comprehend that the feeling was not mutual. In a way I've practically given up but given my current position I have to see and interact with her at some level. Previously I could just run away or avoid said person and the feeling would generally go away over time but here I am faced seeing her a lot and still having feelings for her but not being able to do much about it. 

Anyway, this connection that I made was so simple; to her all guys are just friends but she acts as someone who's interested in them. It's entirely possible that she's subconsciously doing this because in our nature to seek out the potential mate. I'm sorry that it sounds so basic but at the end of the day I believe it does have its merits. Reading through this article explains it well. We all have that selfish inclination to desire that person who has all the qualities in the world and while we are still free, and have opportunities to see different people, why not scout the crowd? I do it all the time although I rarely act upon it. The reason is because, I don't really know how to flirt, and the other is that I don't want to play around with people's emotions. If I did that in the past I sincerely apologise and it was not my intention to hurt people. 

It is our nature to flirt, according to the article, and it's supposed to be good for you. In Islam though, we are told to lower our gazes and flirting is a definite no no. Why do we have conflicting ideas (one human and the other divine). Remember this flirting is an action that is based on our lower desires (just wanting to further our genes to someone else). There may or may not be a desire for a long term commitment. Whereas in Islam, if you see the process of finding a spouse and marriage itself, it teaches us that we should strive to find the pious spouse. At the end of the day our spouses will lead us closer or get further away from Allah. This is a long process and requires someone that is going to be there for the long run (not just someone who wants to pass on his or her genes). In Islam, marriage is not just about procreation, although it is emphasised that we should be with child bearing spouses (but how are we supposed to know if someone is fertile?). More importantly we are the da'wah carriers, we are the ones to carry the message of Islam to the masses and the fate of this ummah is in our hands. Such work begins in the family home and spreads through our communities and our nations. This work would not be possible if our family unit was not based upon Islamic values. 

I was just asking myself how are we supposed to find a spouse that is fertile? The answer lies in the fact that many men prefer younger girls and girls that bear characteristics that appear to make them fertile. Is that true or not? Ok we have couples that are not far in age or the woman is older than the man but I guess they still bear other characteristics of being fertile. Being young, women in this age group still have many years ahead of them to ovulate. How about being mature for motherhood? Well that comes with age. That's why you see girls who are adolescent getting married and not teens since they have probably seen what a newborn is like (in their family or close relatives) and have experienced life helping out their family domestically. 

I've lost the plot with that last paragraph and have forgotten how I was supposed to relate all this to my situation. OK, so she has an inclination to befriend guys (for whatever reason) and has been doing so for a long time since her early years. Problem now is she is reaching an age where the guys think she's ready for the next step but she hasn't put the brakes on her (apparently) flirting ways. If she doesn't realise she's flirting then chances are she's not doing it intentionally. I would say it is part of her developing process from teen to adult. So a person who unknowingly flirts with guys because she wants to befriends them only leads to a lot of misunderstandings.

With my case, I shood away from her because I didn't want to get too close that she would realise that I was attracted to her. I wanted to get to know her without the fascade, see the real her, and then make my decision based upon my interactions with her. Over time I grew more fond of her, and although she never directed any flirtation my way (I just picked up some things that I thought were positive signals), I knew she wa that kind of person and it drew me in even more (seeing her do it with other guys).  I became jealous and wondered why she didn't do it to me and it reached that point where I could take no more. This is where I am today. (16:29)

Reality Bytes

It's funny what human interaction and the emotions of loving someone and having someone in your heart can do to you:

http://www.abc.net.au/austory/specials/realitybytes/default.htm