A trip down Memory Lane

Once again I am woekn up after experiencing her in my dreams. This hasn't happened in a couple of weeks, and I think now I am certain of why that is. Me not having dreams about her is about the same time as she not being online. Ever since I don't see her online I slowly thought less about her, the days no longer started and ended with thoughts about her and I was starting to move on. These last few days I suggested to her on how to get online again, and once again we were talking online. And this morning I experienced her presence in my dreams...

I had two dreams about her. The first one I saw myself together with her. We were going out somewhere on the train and for some reason she touched my left shoulder and it made it tingle. In reality we're never gone out in that way. It's always something that I've wanted, just once at least, but which should probably not happen given the circumstances.

The other dream, just shortly before waking up sounds more like what I've done in real life with her. She asked for some food which I would gladly go out to get. Whenever she asks something of me I'd just do it. That's the way it's always been. Sometimes I might complain but I still do it. Sometimes I think I go out of my way just for her, but then when I think of what she's done for me it all adds up.

Coming out of those dreams I realised quite a few things. These things made me shed tears. I've almost forgotten them now but I'll try my best to remember. These thoughts are very dear to me. These thoughts below might not make sense:

Whenever I see her online is my only time that I can get to know her. In real life I guess I always feel awkward to ask personal questions. She'd probably say that we're not comfortable with each other and she has a point. Thought I think it's ust that we're still getting to know each other or we just have found each other's buttons yet. I don't know if we would get to that stage.

I shed a tear because it felt like I was moving away from her. That night of revelations was the time that we finally met each other face to face. Since then we've progressively headed our separate ways. I shed a tear because I didn't want to let go of her. I want to follow her on her journey of self discovery. I want to be a part of that process but here I am on another path discovering myself. It's hard to say goodbye.

If we were to really depart from each other I'd always remember that smile of hers. Sometimes its infectious; she's just someone that brightens up your day.

She makes people move mountains and till now I still don;t know how she does it. Maybe I will never know.

Everytime I used to see her I would always want to stay as long as I could. She became the focus of my space and I wanted to just live it for as long as I could. Just wanted to know her as much as I could. It's as if I always feel that tomorrow may not be there so I'm hurrying to get to know her before it's too late. Do I still need to do this when she's told me that it's not going to happen? For someone that is as special and unique as she is, I think I have to look deeper because so far whenever I've learnt more about herself, I've also learnt mroe about myself. Maybe our journeys are not in opposite directions, but instead in parallels. Like two lanes on a highway going in the same direction. The only difference is the speed that we're travelling at.

Whatever she gives to me I am accepting. At first I wasn't happy with it, but after a long thought process I realised that it is a lot more than what some others have been given. I should be grateful. I am grateful, though I just don't want to show it at the moment. I'm not willing to accelerate at the moment. I just want to take things nice and slow, just enough to keep up with her...