Why couldn't that be real?

This morning I had a dream that I wished really happened, one that was not long enough. We got close, and eventually she was leaning on me to rest (as if to say she was comfortable being close to me). Of course that made me really happy to see a change in her behaviour almost like she was giving me the signal that she changed her mind.

Of course that would never happen in real life, and if it did we would be married before it should happen. The dream just highlighted another one of those moments that will probably never happen (even though she would do it with someone else - as I noticed in the past). Why it wouldn't happen to me is because she's never been clsoe to me before the way she has ben with other people and I doubt that would change. Having her know how I feel about her, I'm pretty sure she's careful around me. Otherwise I would be getting the wrong signals from her. How thoughtful, I guess.

Still, I tremble, remembering that moment in time, trying to relive it as much as I can before the last remnants of that dream escape my head. Time and time again I am reminded of the fact that the only time I'll be close to you is in my dreams. Sad, but true.

Wanting you to listen

These last few days have been rather hard. Actually for most of the week really. It started off with that night I was trying to strike a conversation which revealeda bit about my past and asked for some assistance, but instead was met with disappointment. That night I realised that maybe she didn't have the answers for me, and that pretty much showed how uncaring she was. Then again she had her own issues to settle so maybe I'm just too sensitive. I asked for a way out, a flaw that would make it easier to move on and until that moment I was accepting of every flaw that I could see. That night, when I got no support, made me realise that perhaps this is the flaw that I cannot live with.

I need someone to talk to, and I want it to be her, but as time goes on it seems more unlikely to happen. If I was thinking properly, I couldn't ask her to be my listener since the problem involves her. It would put her in an uncomfortable situation no doubt. Maybe things are already uncomfortable, though she may just be hiding them. I'm so scared to ask her if I'm irritating her again (as I know I did at one point). I'm afraid to lose being in touch with her, but yet I still want more from her. More than what she's willing to give. Why can't I just accept what she's giving me? Why can't I just move on? There are so many reasons to show how we don't match, but my stubborn heart refuses to agree with my mind. Why can't I just let go?

Why can't I just treat her like any other friend? Why is she so special in my heart, even when I'm nothing to her? I feel so foolish but I'm still here. I'm hopeless, and just blind. I can't do this anymore, but I don't have anything to go onto. That's why I'm still here. Stupid, just stupid.

Change of thought

Up till a few minutes ago I felt that the only way to get over her was to run in the other direction and completely avoid her, or to find a big enough fault that would take her off that pedestal that my mind has placed her on.

After work I popped by to drop off some stuff, and ended up staying for a bit longer. I didn't talk much but more or less was just there to enjoy her presence (if enjoy is the right word). Actually I would've liked to have a chat to her at that time, but as there was someone else present I didn't think it was appropriate.

After coming home I had a think about what had transpired. On the surface it looks like nothing special, but then I realised that not everyone can do what I just did. You know how sometimes you're with someone who doesn't really want you to be there (like there is a sense of awkwardness) you feel unwelcome. Even though I was pretty silent, I didn't feel unwelcome. Maybe this is a sign of things to come. Maybe this is my heart and mind finally on the same terms.

I realised that I didn't have to be with her to be around her. We can still have a connection without being romantically linked. And I realised that because I let it out, and the fact that she didn't push me away means that she values that connection as much as I do. I realised that, I didn't need to hide myself anymore, I don't need to put on any fascade to impress her. I can be myself around her, not worry abotu saying the wrong thing or sounding dumb. I think I could even be frank with her. Maybe..

PS: Maybe that frame has made her more dorky in my eyes. I'd say there has been some impact on the 'x-factor' that I once saw, that intriguing look that always kept me wanting more. And the reason is because it hides her beautiful eyes, the very ones that keep me mesmerised. Unfortunate for her, but good for me I guess. InsyaAllah this means that I can look beyond what I had wanted before. She will always be someone special in my heart, but now I'm beginning to feel like it's worked out for the best the way it is.

It's amazing how a rather insignificant event could change your perspective.