A dream is like your last thoughts

I've been experiencing this a lot lately and in the past where if you think a lot about something, chances are it will appear in your dreams. She's always on my mind, and She's also in my dreams. Sometimes these dreams bring out things that I never knew about and that is just odd. Whenever that happens, I go to ask Her if there's any truth to it and surprised that mroe often than not there is.

Anyway, I had a dream Saturday morning after speaking to Her Friday night. She was the last person I had contact with before closing my eyes. And as we both said good night I was just imagining Her self going to bed. Those were my last thoughts. In the dream, we were in a hotel complex together with our families liek on a holiday together and the scene was we were just getting out of bed (in separate rooms of course) and chilling out, chatting away abotu the plans for the day.

I woke up thinking how cool was that, and found this could be a way to program my dreams for the future. Dream programming: Put this to good use and maybe I can learn a thing or two while in my sleep. Hmm...

Are my intentions all right?

I felt like I was crying while going through this dream, actually I felt I was inbetween sleeping and being awake and I was thinking properly but at the same time in a dreamy state. It was surreal. The issue was about Her and basically it was me writing the letter to Her explaining myself to Her. This is the letter that I've been meaning to write for quite some time and here it was playing in my head.

What struck me was when I said "that all this work I've done because of you, and that maybe I've been failing because my intentions haven't been right..." I felt sad, and let out a tear, realising that what I was doing was wrong. And I was admitting this to Her as an admission of guilt; I just couldn't take it any more. I just wanted to be free.

The thought really hit me and affected me quite a bit. This is something that I really should talk about. There was more to this dream, but at this time of night I cannot remember any more. Maybe another time.

A truth to the Future?

This morning I had a change in my dream scene. Mz Untouchable was not in this time, but instead replaced by Mz Ninja. Mz Ninja's father was like my mentor and spent some time with me to learn more about Islam. I was at his establishment taking lessons. One day, it came to my mind that I want to propose to Mz Ninja, but I wasn't sure how I would break it to her father...

Her father is really not her father but someone who works in the same field as her and whose daughter reminds me of her (looks calm). The point of this post is for me to jot down this odd dream and to show how different thoughts can merge into one scene. If I was awake, I would've never come up with such a story, yet in the dream the pieces all fit together.

Maybe that's why dreams exist; to make a sense of reality that would otherwise never happen in real life.

You never cease to amaze me

Upon arriving I was asked to look at a letter, and what caught my attention was this piece of scribbling known as a signature. It belonged to Her, and it was the first time I saw it. Ignoring the rest of the letter, I just stared at the signature, trying to see what it was composed of and how it was derived.

Why did I become so engrossed in this bit of scribbling? It belongs to Her and it reminds me of Her, of course. It is cute and I wanted to keep it (but I have no idea what for). It brang a smile from within myself and that's when this thought of "you never cease to amaze me" popped up. All this from a little scribble on a page.

The little scribble reminded me that in all this time of knowing Her I have yet to see her writing. I guess in this age of electronic media, emails and so on, it is less common to see people's hand writing and to some extend I think it's a bit sad as the world is becoming less personal. Nothing better than receiving a letter that's hand written as you know that came from the person's hand and they took the time to go through the motions and form the letters with a pen.

Is there something wrong with me or what?

There she was right in front of me, just enjoying her presence. I can't even remember what we were talking about but I could just feel her close. That was all I needed, that was all I wanted, jsut to be in her presence. Just to see her face to face.

And then I woke up, so emotionally exhausted and feeling down that it was all but a dream. It was timely though, as I had to go pray at that moment. But it really really made me feel slight off for the rest of the day. It's as if that moment was what I was longing for, and still am but a moment that I feel is too much to ask. A moment, that in my eyes, can't happen.

I know what this from, it was from sitting opposite her the night before at a meeting. This probably triggered something in my head and that's where the dream came from. (written 10/03/09 23:55)